Making music

I was one of the lucky ones tonight to go to a Brooke Frazer concert at the Tivoli. She was very good. I you haven't ever looked her up she is in my opinion the best secular signed and funded christian artists out there. She does some stuff with Hillsong but I won't hold that against her.

I was disappointed cause I have come down with some flu and am finding it hard to sit upright for two long but I still enjoyed it, slumped over in my chair eyes closed just listening... By the way the sound guy was average but that's usual too haha.

It became obvious to me again that the idea of living and working in music making/ sound/ recording totally floats my boat. I get excited thinking about the idea that I could be one of the audio great recording engineers or mixing masters, or write a song that touched thousands... I would love it.

See a few years ago I decided that was what I wanted to do, I did some study worked in the field for free doing all I could in audio to get my hands dirty. I was convinced that was where God wanted me to be. But then my first kid came and it became obvious that God had other plans right now. I often joke that I wish God would just write me a letter and tell me exactly what to do next. I struggle with feeling like I haven't achieved anything or gone as far as I would have liked. I have my great family and friends but I feel like I want more.

I know God doesn't change his mind and that if it feels like he has then it's just me not getting what he is trying to do. I also know that there is something about audio that I love. I just don't know how to make it work. I feel unfulfilled and empty like something that is unused on a shelf. There is more for God to use me in yet, but I feel lost as to what that looks like. I feel like I have been praying for direction for 10yrs without a clear answer. Probably my fault but I still wish it was clearer. I want/ need my life to change for the better I'm just not sure how to take the first step. So the search continues and I humbly and impatiently wait for the path to be revealed.


Thanks

Tim

Dam dams

Well today was a get stuff sorted kind of day. At our place we have taken shares in ikea and put in a heap of cheap 'made by a 15yr old called chinese kid named Chan' type shelving. Today me and the misses routed a heap of cable through all the shelving to make it all work and had it working like a charm about an hour ago. Im tired but it works.

In my shelves there is this network of cables, all hidden running rough the whole system, keeping everything functioning and working. Without power the printers won't work, without network cables the router won't work. They have pathways that information and power travel down and up.

For me I have channels or flows that keep me going. My main feeder, the biggest one with the most power and info running in it is my prayer life. Reflecting today I realized that i have let it fill with crap. Loads of it, dams run up and down this channel to God. Stuff gets in the way and things collect and stop the flow.

I imagine myself looking over it in a helicopter, assessing the damage and calling the occasional state emergency to clear it and dredge the rubbish away. I only ever do this however when the situation is dire. Then flow stops and its only when all of a sudden I realize I haven't sampled it is ages, maybe days or weeks before I realized I'm parched and need the power and info and nutrition it gives me.

We have such an awesome God who belittles himself to communicate with us in a real and personal way. Why would I not want to take advantage of at and use the time he freely gives me to talk and grow in a personal relationship type conversation with the creator. sounds stupid but I do this most of the time. Oh, I'm tired or busy or some other ridiculous excuse. That's not going to cut it when I get to heaven... If my life is drained and I'm tired and acting grumpy I can guarantee why, my time with God is minimal or non existent. Dam my stupid humanity that pushes against God at every turn, wanting me to fail and let the channel fill up with rubbish. I need a purge of my life and the prayer channel, a refocus on the important, the special and constant. Maybe a fast or moving to Europe... I need something to get me out of the same old life and excuses. Without God Im nothing, an empty shell with no meaning or direction.

Thanks
Tim

Support - how does something become so important

I have discovered today that support for who we are, what we believe in and what we love is so very important. Not a superficial kind of support that pats you on the back for a job well done... the kind of support that makes a real difference, the kind that makes us feel ok despite the fact that everything around us suggests we have the wrong idea or are doing the wrong thing. I don't mean someone who agrees with you all the time. I mean someone who takes time to understand your needs and what is really going on, tells you your an idiot but then holds your hand while you waddle through the crap creek you made for yourself. Someone you can tell everything too, because you know they will do what ever it takes to make your life better and reach your full potential.

Its those sort of supports that make us human, enable us to deal with the emotional and confronting climate of the world we live in. These supports don't just tell us we can fly, they pick us up and throw us...

All support no matter how small is important... Im a nerd so i get it this way... Think of a circuit board, (thats the green board covered in metal and plastic bits in anything electrical)... Every part in that circuit design plays a role. The parts that cost $100 are just as important to making it all work as the 0.02 cent parts that proliferate it. There may be fail safes for when certain parts fail, but it still won't work the same.

Im a circuit board and i get support from lots of places... But it is all important... The friendly hello, to the hugs and deep conversations, these things keep me afloat. When even the smallest part stops working, my life seems to writhe in frustration, I can cope but its hard, and there are only so many parts that can fail before this circuit board will fry up and go into melt down...

I have one fail safe i can rely on. God... He's the only special order part I know that can mold and morph into any part needed and fill the gap. He's the best support changeling around. He fills needs and supports those without any support. One problem, that requires faith and a steadfast knowledge that he is there and loves me even when i don't notice. Maybe i need practice remembering that, but it's hard.


Thanks
Tim

Well old friends time does fly

Hey guys, I'm not sure when I last hit this blog but my apologies once again rattle in between my words as I take time to pen my disjointed thoughts once again.

I have been so busy. Things seem to be spiraling this year already I'm sure it will be December before I know it. And you know what, the old me is clawing at my feelings and timetable. I have felt the pang of frustration and stress start to overtake my person once again. I refused to sleep tonight until I had time to reflect on the day and the goodness in it. To squelch the negativity that rises like bile in my mind, over taking everything, making the slightest smile or happy thought a test of endurance and acting worthy of any academy award.


But once again I refocus, lay my life and honest thoughts to page. We start again... I'm reminded of my relationship with God and those around me. Always got to refocus, refine and refuel.

Today I realized that I had almost triple booked myself for a night later this week. Had to find a way to fix it... I'm sick of fixing it, always trying to keep all the things that fight for my attention in the air, most of them legit and honorable goals and priorities. Like my family, friends and work... They all need time... I really just don't think I have it... Or maybe I do and I use it badly... Perhaps so, but I am still here at 2am taking some time for me cause it feels like the only time I can.

Gee I whinge don't I. Need to harden up and deal with it, yet that's the status quo for the last 10 years... How long should I keep this up...

Well I just reread that... It's not very cheery but lets see what some refocus and a good few hours sleep does... Haha

Thanks

Tim

Hard to settle tonight...

Well last night I blogged about the frailty of life and my reflections about my life beyond this one... Today has been unusual to say the least. The whole day has been listening to radio watching TV and trying to figure out if my house was going to turn into one of those terra-cotta aquarium houses that sits on the bottom of a fish tank. Long story short I think we will be fine. Which is a relief. But gee I feel unsettled and sad.

I must be going soft, but I feel worried for all those who have headed out to evac centers tonight knowing their homes will probably end up in water over the next fee days... And those who go there probably have no family or friends to support them or they would have gone to be with them instead. Dammit i want to help them..

But heres the catch. I have to work tomorrow, I have access and we will be there at 9am serving people... Wishing to be knee deep somewhere making someone who deserves it feel special. Doing something that in my opinion has much more value than working. I imagine the faces and the worry and the uncertainty that they must face and it makes me melancholy.

So now I will try to sleep knowing people are hurting less than 25 mins from my place, in real need... There faces hamper my sleep tonight, they make me stop and ponder how it goes for them. I wish they could feel Gods love tonight, I wish it was me God was going to use to deliver it. I just want give them a hug... Anyways...soppy I know but the world feels lost enough without unprecedented floods... And it's just down my street and around the corner...

Tim

What's happening in this funny old world

What a funny place Queensland is at the moment. I know everyone is taking about it and particularly today about flash floods but one thing that has struck me today is the frailty of human life and how sudden something as way out and unusually as a flash flood can mean an unfortunate, untimely and unforeseen passing. The usual saying goes "if I get hit by a bus tomorrow"... Basically it begs us to review and ask the question of ourselves, "where are we going when our time does come... ?"

We all say we know, today I asked myself and as usual I got the same pathetic answer... I think so!

Again as I reflect I realize that's not really good enough. I understand that a humans we question and reanalyze... This is a process as healthy as it is often occurring in my life, but is that good enough... Why do I have days when I'm not sure? Why do I question and why do I constantly have cause on my life to question the steadfast and iron clad nature of my fathers love for me and my eternal salvation?

Ok so I've been to theological college I've done my BTh I know the logical response and can easily find a conclusive water tight argument that all is well... But.

I kept thinking and I know I still don't have any way to absolutely know that I will always be sure and then I realized something. This whole process of questioning the validity of my call for God's help and the doubt that he would give it, causes me to do exactly what it should do... I grovel, I feel sorry and I prostrate myself at God's feet. Reviewing my life, it's good and bad points and then I decidedly hand it back to Jesus. Again and again... I'm sure this is a process that will happen always at different stages in my life. Rightly or wrongly, it's not the doubt that is the issue, the point is that I should always return to God ready for his continual molding and crafting of this ugly lump of clay. It's the time I feel this way and turn from God to find other assurance that I will be right and royally up the flooded creek without a paddle.



Thanks

Tim

The problem with no sleep...

It seems that due to life currently, I am experiencing an extreme lack of sleep. It is amazing how much lack of sleep plays on your feelings and emotional stability. Putting my little one to sleep tonight and I literally felt like crying (yelling actually) over spilt milk. I knocked over a cup full of it in her room all over the carpet. I was so frustrated but I kept my emotions in tow. How easy it is when stuff is hectic to forget to relax and know that everything is sorted, and planned. My initial reaction had no logical bounds and the accident wasn't anyones fault but I felt angry and asked why me...

The other problem it amplifies the feeling I had that encouraged me to wrote this and reflect in the first place. The reaction to no sleep is to bottle it up and never think about why you feel the way you do. When busy and tired they are the first things to go. The last few days I have felt tired and ready for some relaxing me type time but I know there is little chance of that any time soon. More sleep will help. For those reading who pray, some deep nights of rest for me and my household would be very much appreciated.

Thanks

Taking time to stop...

I started this blog a week ago. Already I've missed one day and got to 1am today before finding time to sit read and reflect on the day. This week feels busy. Work has regained it's strength and is thriving on 2011 and quickly devouring it. It feels as though it will soon be new years eve again as the years will flit by like the wind. Projects at work and in the studio are looming again making my deep work ethic and perfectionism jostle for position to distract me and help me forget the focus and confidence i started my year with.

When presented with work it gets done, and at the moment there is lots to go around. I'm recording tomorrow, which I love, but to find time to do it I'm actually sacrificing a large percentage of the time I normally get to spend with my little girl as it is one of my normal RDO's. I do it but that work is not something that helps me reach what i want or something that let's me take the time I desperately need to find what God would have me be and how my life should look.

God has given me a blessed life, I'm so busy living I forget to be blessed and let him shine through me. The thing is it takes effort, and sometimes I blatantly can't be bothered. But that isn't really good enough. I want God to be proud of me but i also want what I am to be meaningful to others.

God can and does use us to reach the world. Once upon a time for me it felt like God was always working with me, helping people see the amazing joy that comes from knowing God. But these days I have shut him down with work and busy running around doing unimportant worldly drivel. There is a lot to cleaning to do to let my life reach it's potential but I know that God is a really thorough and powerful cleaner who, with constant petition, will make me clean and usable. Ohh to feel him move people around me again. I pray that the world be changed through me...

Missed one day what a let down..

First I must apologize, I missed a day. Which means I need more time reflecting to make up for it today. But what an eventful few days. Yesterday I got to see my new baby face to face really well for the first time with our 12wk scan. All appears good and baby is healthy and active. What an awesome blessing.

I'm am constantly blown away by the process of creation. The forces involved to take two cells and form a functioning little person with feelings, emotions and character. Come 20wks and most of the babies systems will be made and just waiting to mature and develop. I know it's cliche but it is a very cool process and one that I sometimes forget to appreciate. Soon my clan will be 4 strong and life will upheave and change again. Another stage on my journey and weeks of trying to figure how we will all fit in our little house.

I don't feel like a dad. I have an almost 2 year old little person who runs around my house calling me daddy, but I don't feel like I thought being a dad would feel. Which in itself sounds funny but it is weird to think that my little girls sees me as her daddy. The one to rely on and depend on. The one who gives in when she needs spoiling.. Haha. There is something special about that parent kid relationship. I look at her and nothin else really concerns me. She loves me unconditionally, which makes it easy to return. That connection is powerful. Harness what that is like and realize that our connection with God is a million times more powerful. Wow...

I also feel the weight of the responsibility that brings. I want her to grow up confident, happy and emotionally intelligent. I paused today to reflect on how God must feel with all of us his kids. Running around like idiots, not listening, doing the opposite of what he says and all the while raising a middle finger in disrespect to our amazing creator. If lily did that to me, all day every day I would be crushed. Maybe God needs a hug, poor bugger. Look at the bunch of misfits we are. I worked out a new way to look at it today. Why not rather than WWJD, I'm thinking "what would make daddy proud".

Thanks for letting me share and you supportive words...

Tim

Work, feeding fish and a drive in the rain

Worked today. It didn't end up to bad in the end. Nothing much to report except more people wanting service with a smile and the best products for free, the joys...

I went over to a mates house tonight to feed his fish. He's over seas and I'm fish minding which is great cause if you have to baby sit something then fish are the best. No walks, cleaning or anything. Just show up once every couple of days and throw a bunch of food around. Sounds boring enough but the drive home made me realize something.


I drive a turbo charged 98 skyline R34. A rice burner, I know, but I like it ;). However long story short the tires are terrible in wet conditions. I'm driving along thinking about how nice the drive is, it's perfectly dry, the turbos getting a work out, my windows down and the music is loud. I'm thinking nothing is better than this, I need to do this more often. Then out of the blue, rain. Lots of rain, can't see for a bit type rain. My first thoughts as the back of my skyline tries to beat the front around a corner is.. Dear lord make this turnout ok.


When I arrived at my mates place the stupid little fish start fliting around the tank like they know what is coming. At that moment I am everything to them. Without me they die, I don't do much remember, just throw some food around, but to them I'm God. Then they eat a few bits of food and forget. They go about there business not caring if I'm there or not. They have had their full. They don't need me anymore, or so they think. They really do need me so they can stay alive the 2 weeks there master is away, but they just don't care.

Which brings me back to my wet slip and slide ride. Unless there is an issue, I don't act like God's there most of the time. I go about my day at work, my ride home, my dinner with family, without God being part of it and then all of a sudden.. Umm God... A little help.

My dependence on God and his loving provision is not based on love for my creator, merely a love of self preservation and self service. So my thought is, screw that I'm not a fish, something should change.

Bless ya

Back to work tomorrow...

Like others I head back to work tomorrow. Not the most rewarding thing I do with my life but an essential part of being an adult, or so I'm told. I have a saying which comes out quite often.... It goes something like "when I grow up I'll get (insert object, activity or behavior)"... I guess it's my way of telling people that when I'm sorted and old and responsible, I will have that and that section of life will be in order. I like thinking that I'm still a big kid, but I don't really think I am, my life doesn't show this.

I stood there today while my father-in-law (if you know him don't tell him I told you) lay down in the sea, waves lashing at his face playing with my little girl. They played in the sand and talked about the waves, Lily mentioning with joy that "Poppy was with Lily" and both grinned as they relaxed together comfortable in their play connection. We were there for his 57th birthday today.




Playing with kids this way is fairly easy or most people who have had kids, with Lily I do it most days... But here is the kicker. The fun, innocence and excitement in small pleasures has left me. It's not about being irresponsible or childish it's about enjoying life and not takin yourself too seriously. I miss that. I brings a joy to life even though I return to work tomorrow and start back at the daily grind. It's makes a lunch break the opportunity for mischief or calling a friend, not just precious moments of 'me time' that get counted down till... Awe crap now I got to work some more....

I pray that I remember how to enjoy this life and precious people in it. I have forgotten and the remembering takes time... I'm only 28 so I have a few years left to work it out and "grow down"...

Tim

So this is day two...

Been thinking today. I have neglected my friends for years, by not giving them the time they deserve or taking the time to focus on their needs. Probably the same can be said for my family. They are so important, the support that holds us, the group of people we can depend on no matter the problem or the worry.

There is a special place in my heart for them, but I forget to tell then let alone show them. I get busy and cling to my diary and my watch and my iPhone. Most of them would stand on front of a truck for me if I asked them and I don't even remember their birthdays. Not the best of friends am I.

I wish I could return to the time of years ago when time with friends filled my spare time and a nice conversation was worth a million finished tasks and ticks on my todo list. I must make time for a coffee, a text, a phone call a impromptu visit. For these things a friend do make and a strong relationship bond.

I just received an email today telling of a friend I haven't seen in years who ha just arrived home for his long stay overseas. Now will be a reunion and a reconnection worth remembering. For people are stronger than walls, more precious than riches and treasured by God. Hopefully now a bit more by me too.

So I've decided to write a blog

After looking at others doing this for years and thinking I could see no value in something like this, I too have decided that written record, a life reflected in words may in fact spur in me something of what I used to have in abundance, a zest for life and excitement in my very soul. Not much makes the old frame rattle anymore, perhaps to busy or tired or lazy, realistically probably all three... I'm sure no one will read this or if they do it will be politically incorrect and controversial with little thought to how the words flow. Unfortunately I will always speak without thinking, but it's not for you, it's for me... A place to winge, bitch and reveal what I'm thinking, but most importantly reflect on a life that feels like it's closing up shop when it really should be just opening for business... This blog will hopefully help me see why me is not what I want me to be right now... A rather emotional non rational discussion on the land of Tim, boring but real...

If you have read this, you probably won't again, if you stick around then your welcome, maybe you can help me figure out where I'm going wrong... Haha. Hope you had a good new years and I am actually excited about what the year may bring.

Thanks