Time to re-up

Well troops, it has come to my attention that my blogging has had a serious issue of late. So I will attempt to return to the fray... The quest for emotional and creative release continues, stay tuned as I try to get back into the process... I miss it..

Sat down this evening to enjoy writing some music, unfortunately other things always get in the way, and tonight was no exception. Dishes, chores, making lunch for kids tomorrow... The list seems ever growing and more complicated with each passing day. I love my family but it stifles and chokes me. Work, housework then bed for the rest of my life is no real life at all. Problem is when I have a break, I feel the need to do nothing... at all.... and will stare at a wall, kidding myself that I am relaxing, when really I just want the world to stop and let me catch my breath. Don't really feel like being creative at that point... Anyway, only reason we blog is to express something not let out elsewhere... So as usual this is a rant and will end at the last full stop. For some reason letting it go to text and having it placed in the public eye is therapeutic and enables the verbal thinkers like me a wimpy way through the murkiness... So on that happy note.... Honey I'm home... .

Long time

Hey gang, wow it has been ages... I have so missed this time to reflect, I think it's showing. some timeout needed. I sit down today to try and reflect on my day. I feel numb. A sad feeling of desperation maybe. I feel like I'm drowning, headed down into oblivion... I need some time with big G... I'll talk some more soon...

Thanks

Tim

Yasi...not as big as Gods Love

It's the topic of every news report and brings a new meaning to the obligatory "so the weather" conversation starter, but it's seems impossible to reflect on a day like today without mentioning it. Life seems fragile again. Though not just physical life. Relationships are just as susceptible to huge tides and runs of destructive winds which tear at their fabric. I hear today of a family, torn apart by years of marital miscommunication and infidelity only to rip apart two families each with 3 kids.

It seems amazing that God would decide to love and cherish something so fragile, so needing of protection and love. As humans we destroy the earth and spit in Gods face, yet he loves us. It doesn't seem to matter what happens to us, what relationships are flattened in our sinful stupidity or the physical pain or suffering our human body feels, one thing and only one remains the same... We are loved, even of we don't reciprocate... We are loved.

Today I am hit by the strength, depth and constant nature of God's love. The amazing saving work of our savior Jesus, leads me to feel so proud and in awe of God. We have been given so much, despite the weather and situations that cause us to feel at wits end. What a special gift and a special God.

Thanks

Tim

We are what we eat or what get feed to us...

There was a kid at work today who has been diagnosed with all the letters after his name that you can imagine and has a list of ADHD etc medication to follow. The debate about that I won't even enter but I realized something. Without judging, as much as I could maintain an open mind, I assessed this kids development and growth up to his now young age of 10 or so. His mum was stressed, had a screaming 3 yr old and seemed ready to explode. I asked the optom on how the test had gone and he told me a sad story. In the middle of the test he had asked the kid just to get his mind off the bright lights in his eyes, what he had had for breakfast. His response... Potato gems and a spring roll.

Now I feed my kid crap all the time, and my kid screams ever now and again as well. Thats not really my point, but this kids lifestyle and growing up must have contributed to his behavior now. Crap in = crap out

It caused me to look at my life and growth up to my now old 27 years... What bad habits have I learned... What has contributed to my attitudes, belief and lifestyle choices which I didn't even realize where changing me. What boxes and labels have I pinned to my chest in the vain hope of giving me excuse or easy fix. When God took the reins did I really let him wipe the slate clean and wash me whiter than snow or did I just tackle the stuff I thought was important...

So today wasn't so much a day for answers but one of self assessment and reflection. I need to clear the way for God to do what he wants with everything that is me, including the stuff that influenced who I have become. He promises to make me a new man, not a reshelled, relabeled old one.

Thanks
Tim

What a grouch

First of all,

I just wrote this huge post and lost it.... So frustrated....

It went something like this.

What a grump i have been the last few days. I have been struggling so much with getting upset at stupid things and frustrated with the unimportant. Im sure that my poor wife is having a very average time trying to live with me, probably for the last few months. I wonder if i am depressed... Now there is a great buzz word. You won't however hear me actually ever use at to describe myself. Once you know what ails you you have an excuse and put yourself in a box. No boxes for me thank you very much, fine for others but not me. But I wonder. It goes on from my laser post, no direction, no hope.

The world tells me that what i do, how much money i make, what stuff i have and what i wear tells me who i am and defines me. You know what, no matter how much i try i believe it. I try to reprogram myself to not care, but it never works. I feel like i want to be remembered, i want to do someone special, i want to change the world and be rich and famous. I want to find significance in myself and what i can achieve... However bible says... Da dunnnn wrong answer... Dam bible in the way of easy, world pleasing answer. But that doesn't seem to matter, in my heart of hearts i still feel like i want to be awesome at something.... Oh no... Early mid life crisis coming... Wheres my red sports car...

This blog is part of my reprograming, its me trying to realize the real important things... The problem is i know what they should be, but i struggle with the rebranding, the new management and the God friendly framework. He must increase and i must decrease... I know that money, career and power a great man do not make... But like i always say, it would bloody well help.

I need to learn to appreciate the little important things but i really suck at it... Wow i go a lot of green fur to shed yet...

Thanks
Tim

Making music

I was one of the lucky ones tonight to go to a Brooke Frazer concert at the Tivoli. She was very good. I you haven't ever looked her up she is in my opinion the best secular signed and funded christian artists out there. She does some stuff with Hillsong but I won't hold that against her.

I was disappointed cause I have come down with some flu and am finding it hard to sit upright for two long but I still enjoyed it, slumped over in my chair eyes closed just listening... By the way the sound guy was average but that's usual too haha.

It became obvious to me again that the idea of living and working in music making/ sound/ recording totally floats my boat. I get excited thinking about the idea that I could be one of the audio great recording engineers or mixing masters, or write a song that touched thousands... I would love it.

See a few years ago I decided that was what I wanted to do, I did some study worked in the field for free doing all I could in audio to get my hands dirty. I was convinced that was where God wanted me to be. But then my first kid came and it became obvious that God had other plans right now. I often joke that I wish God would just write me a letter and tell me exactly what to do next. I struggle with feeling like I haven't achieved anything or gone as far as I would have liked. I have my great family and friends but I feel like I want more.

I know God doesn't change his mind and that if it feels like he has then it's just me not getting what he is trying to do. I also know that there is something about audio that I love. I just don't know how to make it work. I feel unfulfilled and empty like something that is unused on a shelf. There is more for God to use me in yet, but I feel lost as to what that looks like. I feel like I have been praying for direction for 10yrs without a clear answer. Probably my fault but I still wish it was clearer. I want/ need my life to change for the better I'm just not sure how to take the first step. So the search continues and I humbly and impatiently wait for the path to be revealed.


Thanks

Tim

Dam dams

Well today was a get stuff sorted kind of day. At our place we have taken shares in ikea and put in a heap of cheap 'made by a 15yr old called chinese kid named Chan' type shelving. Today me and the misses routed a heap of cable through all the shelving to make it all work and had it working like a charm about an hour ago. Im tired but it works.

In my shelves there is this network of cables, all hidden running rough the whole system, keeping everything functioning and working. Without power the printers won't work, without network cables the router won't work. They have pathways that information and power travel down and up.

For me I have channels or flows that keep me going. My main feeder, the biggest one with the most power and info running in it is my prayer life. Reflecting today I realized that i have let it fill with crap. Loads of it, dams run up and down this channel to God. Stuff gets in the way and things collect and stop the flow.

I imagine myself looking over it in a helicopter, assessing the damage and calling the occasional state emergency to clear it and dredge the rubbish away. I only ever do this however when the situation is dire. Then flow stops and its only when all of a sudden I realize I haven't sampled it is ages, maybe days or weeks before I realized I'm parched and need the power and info and nutrition it gives me.

We have such an awesome God who belittles himself to communicate with us in a real and personal way. Why would I not want to take advantage of at and use the time he freely gives me to talk and grow in a personal relationship type conversation with the creator. sounds stupid but I do this most of the time. Oh, I'm tired or busy or some other ridiculous excuse. That's not going to cut it when I get to heaven... If my life is drained and I'm tired and acting grumpy I can guarantee why, my time with God is minimal or non existent. Dam my stupid humanity that pushes against God at every turn, wanting me to fail and let the channel fill up with rubbish. I need a purge of my life and the prayer channel, a refocus on the important, the special and constant. Maybe a fast or moving to Europe... I need something to get me out of the same old life and excuses. Without God Im nothing, an empty shell with no meaning or direction.

Thanks
Tim